Should You Let Your Child Quit?

It’s a common problem: a parent signs a kid up for some sort of activity, maybe after buying expensive equipment and maybe after being begged and wheedled by the child, and then… the child announces he or she is no longer interested. The kid wants to quit. What then?

You can see what’s coming: constant complaints about practice, foot-dragging to get to games or lessons, deliberate sabotage of his own achievement…. this is so annoying and you’re tempted to give in. But you worry about the message you’ll send if you let your child get out of his commitment. Would setting him free set him up to be a slacker, a dabbler, a person who doesn’t live up to his promises?

There’s no single answer to this dilemma. But there are some things to take into account as you weigh your decision.

1. Whose idea was this? Is learning to play the violin something you decided your child should do or was it her desire? If the violin was your idea, maybe you should take up the instrument and let your child off the hook (and see if there’s another instrument she’d prefer….). If your child signed up just because all her friends were signing up, then maybe this is a chance to talk about her own unique interests and abilities.

2. How many other activities does he have going? Maybe it’s not this activity so much as the whole package of extra-curriculars. If you really want your kid to run track and you think he really loves it, but piano, Tae Kwan Do, basketball and children’s theater make him feel over-scheduled, then maybe cutting down on other things and keeping track and field makes the best sense. Talk with your child and see what he thinks.

3. Is she not having instant success? Sometimes children expect to be masters of an activity right out of the box and when they realize that they have to work to achieve mastery – and that others even their own age are better at this than they are – they may want to give up before giving themselves a chance. Notice if this instant-success idea is something you’ve imparted (do you expect your child to be tops in everything she does?) and make certain your child has space to perform at her own level. You and your child might set a check-point a couple months off, to reevaluate things after she’s had a chance to practice and get to feeling more successful.

4. How old is your child? The younger the child, the more ephemeral his interests. He is likely to flit from interest to interest and also not realize how a commitment to his interests cuts into play time and other good things. So be wary of making a huge investment in a young child’s interests but give him informal opportunities to explore a variety of things without expecting long-term devotion. With an older child, you can help him make a contract with you at the beginning: in exchange for your support in buying lessons or equipment, he agrees to stick with the activity for at least one year. A contract is a good idea for the older child who has a history of starting and stopping activities.

Notice that I’m talking about extra-curricular activities here, not dropping out of high school or quitting college – or even stopping preschool. Getting an education is something every child needs, although there may be many different ways to get it. If your child is struggling with her academic choices, explore the alternatives.

Trying on different activities is a way your child finds out who he is and what he likes. Sticking with an activity after it’s lost its shine doesn’t necessarily build character. Take a good look at the situation, try to separate it out from your own wishes and monetary investment, and work with your child to make the right choice.