Every good thing that happens between us ....

My Scaffolding Adventure

2012-01-12T08:51:00.000-08:00

Scaffolding 102

In my last post I talked about the importance of scaffolding challenging activities, suggesting that if your child received a holiday gift that was frustratingly difficult you could still rescue the situation by scaffolding the task. I gave some pointers for doing that.

And then I promised you I’d try my own advice and plan an introduction to a difficult task with my grandson. J was to turn 9 last Monday and I bought him a GPS unit for geocaching – which is finding hidden treasure by plotting its location into the machine and then mounting a search. His mother had warned me that J had been given a GPS unit once before and it had been a frustrating experience.

Since I had tried orienteering back in the days when treasure hunting was done with just a compass and a map, I knew that a person could be standing right next to the treasure and still not see it. So I understood how this experience could quickly go bad. How could I make having fun with the new GPS unit a sure-thing? How could I scaffold this experience so it was certain to go well?

Here’s what I did.

First, I opened the box, put some batteries into the GPS unit and tried it out. I am not the most intuitively technological person and it took me much consultation with the manual and pushing of buttons (“oops! I turned it off – drat!”) to get even a basic familiarity with the thing. I was so glad I’d done this. It would’ve been a disaster to have tried this for the first time on J’s birthday.

Next, I hid some treasures and marked their locations into the unit. I knew that a huge issue would be how close the unit gets a person to a treasure – or, rather, how far away a person could be – at the point the unit says “You’ve arrived at your destination.” So the person who was guiding J in using this had to know where the treasures really were hidden, which meant I had to hide some myself.

So I hid some. One in my backyard, one in a flowerpot a yard a block from my house, and one in a tree stump in a park we could walk to. The one in the backyard, which I figured would be the first one we’d look for, was really in plain sight. The flowerpot one was obvious once a person knew what to look for. The stump was the most difficult but not hidden under leaves or anything like that.

And… each of the treasures (Altoid’s containers each sealed in a baggie) was labeled with J’s name and also contained a dollar. I wanted to make certain this activity was rewarding, in every sense of the word.

Then, after he opened the unit and I showed him that there were three locations logged into the unit, I helped him figure out how to find the path to the first one, the one in the backyard. The unit signaled a hit when J was still twelve feet from the treasure. So I told him to look around, to see if he could see it. And he did. It was, as I said, in plain sight.

That was easy and he’d gained a dollar. He was eager to look for the second one.

Now he knew pretty well how to follow the path the unit created and when it signaled a hit, he had an idea how big a radius in which to look. So when got to the second location, I suggested he guess where a grandmother might’ve hidden something. He looked around and guessed “in a flowerpot.” Bingo! Another successful search and another dollar.

The third hunt was put off until the following day. Brain scientists will tell you that this is a good idea, because what was learned on Day One will be solidified during sleep. You’ll awake smarter than when you went to bed.

J completely ran the unit on this final hunt, and found out things about the display that I didn’t know. He was pleased about this and his superior knowledge made the unit really “his.” The treasure in the stump was more difficult, but he correctly guessed where it might be after the unit registered the hit. Another dollar. A happy young man. On the way back from this final adventure, he was talking about entering his home and his school as locations and we talked about how he could play hide and seek with a friend in the park near his house.

So a successful scaffolding of a complex task, one that before was too frustrating. The keys were 1) understanding the equipment first myself; 2) thinking ahead and realizing where the difficulty would be; 3) creating tasks of increasing difficulty so J could do it all himself with a little help; and 4) making sure the whole thing was fun.

If you’re 9 years old, mastering a cool gizmo and finding $3 in the process is great fun. And if you’re an adult, watching a kid have fun is all the reward you need.

How about you? Do you have a scaffolding adventure to share? Please comment!
Photo credit: Ren Caldwell

Solving Holiday Toy Frustration

2012-01-05T11:05:00.000-08:00

Scaffolding 101

Did this happen to your child? He received a gift of a nifty toy or gizmo but what seemed like a fun activity ended in tears or in a shrug. Too hard, too complicated, more like work than play. The gift was put away or even given away and disappointment lingers, for your child … and for you too.

This sort of thing happens a lot.

Matching an activity to a child’s growing abilities is not an easy task, especially at a once-a-year gift event like Christmas or a birthday. It’s natural to want to buy a toy or gizmo with staying power, one that the child will enjoy throughout the year. The problem is that entry level engagement with the gift may be too difficult for the child at the moment he receives it. And if it’s too difficult at the beginning, the gift is not likely to be ever revisited later. The first encounter has to be successful.

The key is to success with a just-out-of-reach toy is to introduce it at a level that guarantees success. Your objective is to present the toy within the child’s “Zone of Proximal Development” or ZPD. It has to be challenging enough to be interesting but not so difficult that success is unattainable. The toy has to push the boundaries of a child’s abilities just enough to stretch them, but not enough to snap them back in frustration.

If your child was frustrated by a too-difficult gift, there’s still time to rescue the situation. Here’s how…

Become familiar with the gizmo yourself. Some evening after your child is in bed, get the toy out and work with it. Notice the sorts of skills it requires just to interact with it. Consider how this gizmo might work in actual practice and where the pitfalls might lie for your child. If you already know where the pitfalls were for your kid in her first attempts with this thing, think about what went wrong at that point. Forget following the directions right now. Just examine the toy and think about it and your kid.

Then figure out how to simplify the interaction. It might be that putting the entire Lego castle together following the pictured directions is where your child will get to six months from today. Right now she might need to understand how the bricks go together and come apart. A child may be overwhelmed by all sixteen paints in an artist’s kit. Think about presenting just one color of paint and playing with using the brush, different amounts of water, and different kinds of paper. If there is danger that the gizmo might break or your child might be hurt, simplify to a low enough level that these things can’t happen. Think ahead.

Re-introduce the activity as something that’s shared by the two of you. Take on the role of big kid instead of a teacher role. Play alongside your child and share in the fun and the challenges. Do not correct his attempts or enforce a “one right way” method. Puzzle along with your child and if things seem very hard, simplify more on the spot. The objective is to engage your child in figuring things out, not in reaching some predetermined outcome.

And, of course, you’ll want to follow these steps before you next give your child a gift that you hope he’ll “grow into.” In the next post in this series, I’ll let you look over my shoulder as I try to do just that.

Please add a comment: Did your child experience any frustration with a holiday gift this year? What happened? Do include your child’s age too…

Children's Eating: Whose Responsibility Is It?

2011-10-14T11:15:00.000-07:00

This morning two Facebook posts on children’s eating caught my attention. These bring to mind the question of responsibility. Who is responsible for deciding when a child is hungry enough to eat? Who is responsible for what that child eats when she is hungry?

The answer to the first question is clear: only the child can tell when he’s hungry. We parents might like kids to be hungry on our schedule and we might want them to eat when the family sits down at the table but we can’t legislate hunger.

So for very small people, just learning to eat solid foods, we pretty much have to respect the child who says “no thanks” by turning away and clamping his lips shut. Wheedling, cajoling, and insisting are counter-productive, since they distort what eating is all about: hunger. For older children, creating a routine around three meals each day and maybe two or three snacks makes sense and ensures that the kid who is not hungry at one feeding doesn’t have to wait too long for the next. The child is encouraged to rate his own hunger levels and take responsibility for eating at a meal or waiting for the next. The parents’ responsibility is to set food before the child at reasonable intervals. The child’s responsibility is to decide to eat or not.

The question of what to eat starts with the parents but should as quickly as possible be transferred to the child. Certainly, at mealtimes children should eat what the family eats and the family should eat what children might enjoy. But snack time is a different matter. As we all know from our own eating patterns (especially now, before Halloween), what is in the house gets eaten (you haven’t bought a bag of miniature candy bars yet, have you?). So whoever shops for groceries has responsibility to buy only the stuff kids should eat. Believe me, it’s much easier to commiserate (“Oh, that would be nice! Too bad we don’t have any of that!”) than to refuse (“No. No cookies! No Fritos! No!”).

But as soon as you can (age three is not too young), get kids involved in making their own snack choices. One clever mother of two posted on the fridge (and as a picture on Facebook) a little magnetic board with a list of the acceptable choices for afternoon snacks. Only healthy choices are offered but the kids are free to pick whatever they like. In fact, they can pick one of each if they’re that hungry. Each selection is marked by putting a magnet in the corresponding box so kids (and Mom) can keep track of what’s been eaten. Doing this puts the responsibility for food choices – and for dealing with hunger – right where it should be: with the kids. Mom’s responsibility for keeping a supply of acceptable snacks gets her children in the habit of choosing what’s healthful.

What strategies have you used to help kids take responsibility for their own eating? How has that worked for you?

Photo credit: Ren Caldwell

Building Memories

2011-10-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

When you think back to your childhood, what memories stand out? For me – admittedly a child of an antique era – my best memories are outdoor ones, especially memories of playing pirates among the branches of a huge willow tree that leaned out over a pond. I recall the challenge of finding solid footing as I climbed higher, the rustle of the willow leaves and the sharp wet smell of the water.

What do you remember?

A student of mine recently commented that kids today aren't building the sort of evocative, sensory-rich memories that their grandparents and parents have. Kids these days, she said, seem to live in more manicured surroundings and to have less freedom to poke around and explore. When kids play with electronic media – something not even imagined in my day - engagement with their senses is limited and as virtual as the games themselves.

This is not necessarily a problem, of course. Different childhood experiences are not immediately better or worse. But the sorts of experiences our children have and the kinds of memories these build are things we might want to consider. It’s possible we’re losing something important.

Acting Powerful Powers Action

2011-10-05T12:04:00.000-07:00

How you sit and stand affects your ability to get things done.

We’ve all been told to stand up straight and not slouch when we sit. But new research suggests that good posture doesn’t just please your mother. It makes you more effective in handling everyday challenges. People who adopt “more powerful” stances actually feel more empowered and act more powerfully.

This has huge implications for parents, especially for parents of teens. While nagging might not be the preferred mode of encouragement, encouraging kids to inhabit their bodies comfortably can pay off in more dynamic action.

Researchers at the Northwestern University’s Kellogg School of Management compared body posture and social role on power-related behavior. They were astonished to find that in every case, having a higher social role was less important than acting as if one were of higher social role.

Participants were asked to sit in a chair in one of two ways. The power-posture involved sitting with one arm on the chair’s armrest and the other arm spread across the back of an adjoining chair, and with one ankle resting on the other thigh at right angles. Imagine a very casual and open sitting style. The other posture, a low-power posture, involved sitting with legs together and hands under the thighs (which also causes a drop in the shoulders). Imagine a closed, inhibited sitting style.

Participants were then asked to undertake various tasks, such as a word-completion exercise and a game of blackjack. Those sitting casually suggested more powerful words and took more risks in the card game than those sitting in a more closed position. It didn’t matter if the participants actually were of higher social rank (bosses, upperclassman, for example) or lower rank (minimum wage earner, freshman). How participants acted depended on how they sat.

Posture depends on how we feel in any particular setting but posture is also an effect of habit. Encouraging our kids (and ourselves) to feel more comfortable in an upright, open posture has possibilities for payoff in personal effectiveness.

Photo credit Photoscarce

Machiavellian Intelligence: Does Your Child Have Enough?

2011-10-04T11:33:00.000-07:00

Being skilled in the ways of Niccolo Machiavelli, Renaissance authority on ways to seize and retain power, might not be what you think of when you imagine a good role model for your child’s social development. But “Machiavellian Intelligence” is actually essential to kids’ ability to get along in the world… and it develops through game play.

Machiavellian Intelligence refers to skill in understanding others’ perspectives, using this understanding to achieve agreement, creating positive relationships, and developing leadership behaviors. While anthropological research indicates that these skills have been essential to humans throughout history, these are skills that don’t seem to be actively taught to anyone. They just develop on their own. The kicker is these skills develop through children’s shared activities, activities like playing games.

You remember how you played games with the neighborhood kids, don’t you? You and the other kids first agreed on the rules of the game (though usually the game was so much a part of the fabric of your play that you didn’t notice the rules very much). Maybe you added or subtracted rules to fit the circumstances or the players, and you had a way to negotiate disputes.

Think of hide-and-seek, where an older child might have stepped in to coach the youngest player in good places to hide or good places to look for hiders. Think of sandlot ball games, where a “home run” was defined differently depending on how many kids were in the outfield and disputed calls were resolved using “rock-paper-scissors.” Think of Calvinball, where the rules changed in mid-game to advantage either Calvin or Hobbes.

Games with other kids, where the rules are defined by the players (not by adults or a rule book), appear to be the source of Machiavellian Intelligence. Kids need unstructured game play to develop essential social skills. But there is evidence that today’s kids are disadvantaged.

Today’s children have few opportunities for pick-up games in the neighborhood. Their play instead emphasizes both organized sports and video game play – where rules are codified and either adult leaders or the software itself dictates the action. Even casual playground interactions are often mediated by adults.

If your child complains that “there’s nothing to do” when set loose on a playground, she might need more of this, not less. Keep track of your child’s activities this week and see how much time is spent in casual, unstructured play with other kids. Think back to your own play patterns as a kid and remember what you learned in the give-and-take of having a good time with other children.

You do want your child to have plenty of Machiavellian Intelligence but he can’t get it in school or from a book. He gets it by playing games with other kids.

You Can’t Catch Me!

2011-10-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

Managing Toddlers’ Love Of Escape

Your toddler just learned to crawl? Lovely! Isn’t it amazing how fast can he go?

His cousin is walking now? Super! Has she run out into the street yet?

Being mobile is the answer to every toddler’s greatest wish. What better way to express independence than by running away from Mom and Dad? The squirminess of the rolling-over-baby is replaced by gleeful escape once kids can scoot across the floor. And how very, very fast they are!

When my older son was a toddler his dad and I lost track of him – I swear for just a moment - while standing in a new-car showroom. Next thing we knew, there was little Michael tottering on the edge of a busy highway. Yipes!

How do you keep them safe, when they have no idea that they can run head-long into danger?

You know most of this. You know that you’ve got to think like a toddler and notice where they could run to, climb onto, and shinny under. Never underestimate the creativity of the very young, who see intriguing opportunity in every nook and cranny and a racing straightaway in every stretch of driveway-intersected sidewalk. Realize that little kids don’t know that cars could suddenly appear on what looks to them to be a fine place to run. Realize that drivers are not looking for folks shorter than two feet tall.

Take time to insist on hand-holding through parking lots and take care to stand by on the playground, where little kids often run into each other and into the equipment. Understand that a toddler drunk on speed is too much for an older sib to manage, so don’t delegate the supervision. If wearing a harness lets your child feel independent while also staying safe, then don’t feel odd about getting her a harness and leash. You’re not treating your child like a dog. You’re showing as much care for your child as you would for a pet.

And realize that your toddler is not being bad. He’s just being a toddler. Remember the old folktale about the Gingerbread Boy? This is the defiant chorus:

I've run away from a little old woman,

A little old man,

And I can run away from you, I can!

Kids have been running away from their elders since time began. Let your Gingerbread Person revel in his independence but at the same time keep your Gingerbread Person safe!

The Truth About Chocolate Milk

2011-10-01T11:19:00.000-07:00

Chocolate milk – admittedly one of childhood’s great delights – has come under a lot of fire lately. TV chef Jamie Oliver has crusaded against it in his popular Food Revolution series. School lunchrooms have either got rid of it or endorsed keeping it. And, in case you hadn’t noticed, a new brand of chocolate milk was introduced recently that trumpets using cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup.

So what’s the deal with chocolate milk? Can a careful parent let a kid drink this stuff? Is chocolate milk with sugar better?

Last question first and the answer is “no.” Sugar is not nutritionally better than HFCS; both deliver fructose (as do fruits and vegetables). This also means that HFCS is not necessarily worse than sugar. So choosing a chocolate milk containing sugar on the hope that it is better for a child than a chocolate milk containing HFCS simply plays into the hands of marketers. They know you’re afraid of HFCS. They hope you’ll flock to chocolate milk with sugar.

Compare the nutrition labels of Dean Foods’ 1% chocolate milk containing HFCS and its 1% TruMoo® chocolate milk containing sugar and you’ll see that they’re practically identical. The only difference is that one cup of the HFCS milk has 200 mg of sodium while TruMoo® has 190 mg. Not significant.

In general, it’s better to avoid foods that contain HFCS since by doing that you avoid foods that are over processed. Consider HFCS as a marker for things to avoid and you’ll do well. But that doesn’t mean that you should choose foods that contain sugar.

So the question comes down to chocolate milk or “white” milk? And this is where the action is. There are significant differences in nutrition between the two.

Chocolate milk’s “advantages” in potassium, vitamin C and iron come straight from chocolate. These are not significant enough to justify the flavoring (if your child needs all that potassium, give him a banana). Plain milk, though, has much less sugar, fewer calories, less sodium and more protein. Pretty much a win in the categories that count.

If you’re thinking that you can get the “advantages” of chocolate milk without the sugar by feeding your child chocolate milk with artificial sweetener, please think again. Artificial sweeteners are not recommended for children and have not been tested in kids. There is evidence sweeteners may impair brain development and contribute to the development of diabetes and obesity in kids. Not only that, artificial sweeteners distort a child’s taste buds, making artificial chemical flavors seem “natural.” This sets your kid up to prefer processed foods. Not a good idea at all!

And this brings us to the taste thing. Parents (and some school folk) say that drinking milk in any form is a good thing and if flavoring it with chocolate makes kids drink it, then that’s a positive. But, again, we’re setting our kids up. Notice that plain milk is sweet – it contains 12 grams of sugars in a one-cup serving. By training children to prefer over-sweetened flavored milk, we distort their taste buds. When we wonder why children don’t eat vegetables or protein foods, it’s likely because we’ve trained them to eat only sugary things. Dialing down the sugar intake broadens kids’ palates while it improves their overall health.

So… plain milk should be your family’s default choice. Chocolate milk is a delicious treat but it shouldn’t be in your refrigerator.

And don’t even think about strawberry milk! It’s even worse!

Photo credit Phillip Stewart.

Should You Let Your Child Quit?

2011-09-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

It’s a common problem: a parent signs a kid up for some sort of activity, maybe after buying expensive equipment and maybe after being begged and wheedled by the child, and then… the child announces he or she is no longer interested. The kid wants to quit. What then?

You can see what’s coming: constant complaints about practice, foot-dragging to get to games or lessons, deliberate sabotage of his own achievement…. this is so annoying and you’re tempted to give in. But you worry about the message you’ll send if you let your child get out of his commitment. Would setting him free set him up to be a slacker, a dabbler, a person who doesn’t live up to his promises?

There’s no single answer to this dilemma. But there are some things to take into account as you weigh your decision.

1. Whose idea was this? Is learning to play the violin something you decided your child should do or was it her desire? If the violin was your idea, maybe you should take up the instrument and let your child off the hook (and see if there’s another instrument she’d prefer….). If your child signed up just because all her friends were signing up, then maybe this is a chance to talk about her own unique interests and abilities.

2. How many other activities does he have going? Maybe it’s not this activity so much as the whole package of extra-curriculars. If you really want your kid to run track and you think he really loves it, but piano, Tae Kwan Do, basketball and children’s theater make him feel over-scheduled, then maybe cutting down on other things and keeping track and field makes the best sense. Talk with your child and see what he thinks.

3. Is she not having instant success? Sometimes children expect to be masters of an activity right out of the box and when they realize that they have to work to achieve mastery – and that others even their own age are better at this than they are – they may want to give up before giving themselves a chance. Notice if this instant-success idea is something you’ve imparted (do you expect your child to be tops in everything she does?) and make certain your child has space to perform at her own level. You and your child might set a check-point a couple months off, to reevaluate things after she’s had a chance to practice and get to feeling more successful.

4. How old is your child? The younger the child, the more ephemeral his interests. He is likely to flit from interest to interest and also not realize how a commitment to his interests cuts into play time and other good things. So be wary of making a huge investment in a young child’s interests but give him informal opportunities to explore a variety of things without expecting long-term devotion. With an older child, you can help him make a contract with you at the beginning: in exchange for your support in buying lessons or equipment, he agrees to stick with the activity for at least one year. A contract is a good idea for the older child who has a history of starting and stopping activities.

Notice that I’m talking about extra-curricular activities here, not dropping out of high school or quitting college – or even stopping preschool. Getting an education is something every child needs, although there may be many different ways to get it. If your child is struggling with her academic choices, explore the alternatives.

Trying on different activities is a way your child finds out who he is and what he likes. Sticking with an activity after it’s lost its shine doesn’t necessarily build character. Take a good look at the situation, try to separate it out from your own wishes and monetary investment, and work with your child to make the right choice.

Reading Aloud Never Stops

2011-09-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

A lot of parents think that they can quit reading to their children when those kids learn to read to themselves. In fact, we often think we should quit reading aloud to our older children so that they will have to read to themselves. But reading on one’s own is quite different from sharing a book with someone else. And I’m suggesting that your kid should get to do both.

A child’s recreational reading level – no matter what level that is – is below his level of understanding. So a kid could understand and enjoy books written at a more difficult level than he can easily read. This is certainly true if your child is a struggling reader but it’s even true if your child reads well. And for kids of any reading level, listening to a book read aloud expands vocabulary, fine-tunes pronunciation of tricky words, and introduces complex sentences and modes of expression. If you read chapter books together, your child will improve her memory and ability to make predictions. Reading to your older child is a painless way to improve her reading and thinking ability. And, not only “painless” but down-right fun.

Here are a few tips to make certain this goes well for you and your child:

Choose books that are interesting to you both. Avoid reading to your child a book you know she doesn’t like (but that you like or think is “good for her”).
Read anything and everything. You can read aloud classics, new novels, picture books (yes, even with older kids), magazines, plays, non-fiction, poetry: anything is fine. In fact, reading a variety of different materials is a great idea. But…
Choose books at your child’s social and emotional level. It’s tempting to rush a child into a book that’s over his head because you love it and really want to read it. But doing that ruins the book for your kid. He can’t really get into it, because it’s too mature or complicated for him. So he’ll be unhappy now and then later, when he might have loved the book, he’ll be turned off because of the negative early experience. Don’t hurry. There’s plenty of time.
Read for the pleasure of the reading. Don’t make this a quiz or a reading exercise for your child or a vocabulary lesson. Just read to her and enjoy.
Read every day if you possibly can. You can include younger kids on the couch if they want to be there, but this reading time should be focused on your older child. Read other stuff to the younger kids.
Enjoy your child’s company. Reading together is a great way to get in some quality one-to-one time and develop the bond between the two of you. When you read aloud, your child gets your time and attention but without feeling any pressure.

The best way to start reading to an older child is never to have stopped. Keep reading, right through the preschool years, into elementary school and beyond. It’s harder to start reading with an older kid if you have to start from zero, but it can be done. Find a book you know will be a fun one to read, one that’s not too long or too serious. Ask your child if you could read it together, with you doing the reading. See what reaction you get and go from there. (An alternative way to read together is to read the same book separately and then talk about it, sort of like a very, very informal book club. If your child resists being read to, then this second way might work for you.)

Reading to your child is one of parenting’s greatest pleasures. Isn’t it nice to know it never has to stop? Read to your child – even your older child - today!

Does My Child Have ADHD?

2011-09-16T08:17:00.000-07:00

… and what should I do next?

If you think your child might have ADHD or ADD, the first questions to ask are "why do you think so?" and "what else could cause that?" Let's take a closer look.

ADHD – Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder – and ADD – Attention Deficit Disorder – are caused by a brain difference. The brains of kids with these two conditions are wired differently than the brains of other kids. Kids with ADHD or ADD have trouble paying attention and may have trouble controlling their actions. These problems occur in every situation just about all the time (not just at school). These differences are hereditary, so if a parent has these conditions the children in the family might too.

So if one parent or the other has been diagnosed with ADHD or ADD and a child has difficulty with attention and self-control not only in school but at home as well, then, yes, the child might have ADHD or ADD. Talking with your family doctor is the next step.

But sometimes children who have poor attention and poor impulse control don’t have ADHD or ADD at all. In fact, most kids with behavior problems do not have ADHD or ADD. They just have behavior problems.

Telling the difference between children with ADHD or ADD and children who just behave badly is not always easy. But, luckily, addressing the behavior problems themselves helps both sorts of kids – those with and those without ADHD or ADD.

Here’s where to start:

1. Cut way down on electronic media of all sorts. Strictly limit (to only an hour per day – can you do it?) television viewing, DVDs, video games, computer games, computer surfing, handheld game players and any other electronic media I might have forgotten to list. Not an hour each: an hour total. There is a clear link between overuse of electronics and bad behavior. Cut that link in your house.

2. Increase physical exercise. Get kids out of the house and onto the playground for at least an hour every day – over and above whatever your child gets in physical education class or recess at school. Physical activity increases brain function and overall health. And well-exercised kids are calmer. Get your child outdoors!

3. Feed your kids right. Nutrition is a zero-sum game: the more junk food the less room there is in a child’s tummy for good food. And while sugar may not “cause” bad behavior, poor nutrition does. Eliminate junk food from your fridge and pantry.

4. Get your kids to bed on time. Tired children act badly. You knew this but have you connected the dots between your own child’s lights-out time and her behavior? And there’s not a TV in your child’s room, is there? Get it out of there!

5. Teach your children how to behave. If you’re getting bad behavior, that means your kids don’t know what you expect. Punishment and yelling aren’t effective here. Instead, teach what you want your kids to do.

At a time when behavior is not an issue, discuss one scenario where you’d like see a change. Let’s say your child acts up in the car. Sometime when you’re not in the car, talk about car behavior. Remind your child of good car behavior just before the next car ride. Pull over the moment you get bad behavior. Drive only when the bad behavior stops. At the end of the ride, discuss again: how does the child think he did? What could he do differently next time?

Teach. Kids aren’t born knowing.

If just reading this short and simple list makes you tired, then you need to get serious. Good behavior, including paying attention and controlling impulses, is a key part of doing well in school and in life.

And notice that there aren’t any quick fixes. Medication, if properly prescribed for an actual medical condition, is effective and safe. But medication is never enough all by itself and is never appropriate for simply “bad behavior.” Medication doesn’t help kids understand how to behave in any given situation. Good parenting does that.

Whether your child has ADHD, ADD, or is just too frisky for her own good, it’s your job as a parent to guide her in the way to behave. Make no excuses. Your child can do better.

Help get her there.

photo credit: Carl_C

“Does This Life Make Me Look Fat?”

2011-09-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

Girls, Weight, and Happiness

We all know that childhood obesity is a problem in the United States. Overweight has been linked to early onset heart disease, diabetes, asthma, high blood pressure and joint problems, not to mention teasing and discrimination at school. But the threat of obesity shouldn’t blind us to the beauty of our children, just as they are right now.

Our daughters are more vulnerable to weight issues than our sons. Girls are bombarded with images of stick-thin beauties, unrealistically proportioned dolls, early dieting advice, and popular media that equate thinness and physical beauty with worth. Although boys are endangered by obesity too, they are not so endangered as girls are by unrealistic expectations.

It’s easy for parents to get caught up in the hype. We want our kids to reflect well on us. We’d like them to be perfect. We don’t want our kids to embarrass us. And we don’t want people to think we let our girls get fat.

So we over-react. We make our girl’s appearance a big deal. We fuss over slimming clothes. We buy her diet books. We give her grief any time she eats. We make fun of her, thinking somehow we are doing her a favor. “Better coming from me,” one mother said. “She might as well get used to it.”

It’s obvious this is abuse. It’s no surprise that most of the misery of being overweight is caused by unkind behavior. And, since eating makes us feel better – that’s why there’s “comfort food,” after all – heaping abuse on a chubby child doesn’t make her any slimmer. It only makes everything worse.

So, what to do? If your child – of any age – is overweight, how should you respond?

1. Quality time. Spend time with your daughter doing fun stuff. Physical activity is great – walking, bicycling, doing yoga – but anything you both enjoy is fine. Could you both take up painting or garage sale-ing? Could you start a business? Turn off the television and do good things. Spend time with your daughter and you’ll send her the message, “I love you and I think you’re terrific.”

2. Quality food. Give up junk food and don’t let it in the house. Yes, your daughter may find other places to get it, but if it’s not at home you won’t be put in the position of standing guarding over it. Food – junk food – won’t appear to be more important than your child. And if everything at home is okay to eat, then eating at home is not a problem. This means, of course, that no one in your home eats junk food. Good.

3. Quality support. If your child is dangerously overweight, get advice from your family doctor. But don’t take advice from your best friend, your worst friend, magazines, TV, and other unreliable, even dangerous sources. Shut your ears to comments intended to hurt. Know that your child’s happiness means more than others’ opinions. Be there for your girl.

At one time, body image issues were limited to teens. These days elementary school children – even preschool girls – talk about diets and worry about their weight. This is unnatural and unhealthy. This is something we adults have done to our kids. It’s time to stop.

The best way to encourage health is to encourage life: “Does this life make me look fat?”

“No, my dear. This life makes you look pretty and funny and very smart.”

Check out Dr. Anderson's new monthly webinar series for parents at growbetterkids.com.

It's Fall. Does your child know where her jacket is?

2011-09-09T13:50:00.000-07:00

All around the country, the start of the school year occurs as nights get cooler but the sun is still hot. So kids standing by the busstop in the morning want a jacket or sweater but by the time they go home, a coat is too warm. Walk by any schoolyard on a weekday evening in the fall and you'll see the result: clothing scattered everywhere, forgotten.

Check out the school's Lost and Found box and you'll discover a treasure trove of caps, coats, mittens, books, and other stuff. All of it was important once. All of it lies unclaimed. At the same time, open a student's desk or cubby even just a month into the year and you'll find it crammed with papers, broken pencils, and toys, things the owner can't bear to part with somehow, though none of it seems to be fulfilling any purpose. The important stuff - a homework paper or textbook - is buried deep.

The thing is, keeping track of stuff and organizing things into some sort of system is a learned skill. People aren't born with it. Not only that, it's an important skill, one that opens the door to doing great things. When the tools needed to do great things are actually available, amazing things can happen. When they're not, we spend our great-things-time looking for our stuff.

Get the school year off to a fine start by taking the time to teach some organization. If your child is not yet ready for school, all the better, since these skills work as well for preschoolers as they do for older kids.

And if you've tried and tried (and nagged and nagged) and nothing you do seems to help your child stay on top of his stuff, then get some assistance. Check out the webinar happening later this month and get fresh ideas and a tip sheet. The rest of the year (and your budget for replacement jackets) depends on it!

Photo credit: IvanWalsh.com

What’s “The Right Stuff” For Schoolkids?

2011-08-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

A fresh new school year is nearly here.. or maybe just started, depending on your location. How the year turns out for your children depends on what they know, certainly. But much of kids’ school success depends on other things that are more basic and these things are the same for all students, no matter how young or how old. The good news here is that all of these factors are things every parent can do something about.

So what’s the magic?

Study after study demonstrates that children do well when…
1. They believe in themselves
2. They know how to learn things
3. They have good learning role models
4. The home and school work well together

Hmm… these things might be basic but they’re not simple. Suddenly cramming the times tables with your fourth grader or teaching your preschooler to count to 20 seems easy. So how do you do all this “basic” stuff? How do you help your child with things that really matter?

The quick answer is this: kids do well when parents are tuned in to children’s thought processes and levels of understanding; and kids do well when parents believe children will do well and when parents believe the school is up to its job too.

Effective parents think effective thoughts and take effective action.

The longer answer is, you can do this but you need some help. Get the help you need at our webinar, Essentials of School Success. This online workshop is fully interactive, so you can ask questions and get answers on the spot. And it’s just right for parents of children just starting preschool or group care all the way through to parents of children starting high school or college – and every point in between. Two convenient dates and times are offered, or register and get the download later.

Sign up now! Cost is just $17
> Thursday, Sept 8 starting at 1 pm*
> Saturday, Sept 10 starting at 8:30 am*
*Pacific time. You’ll need a computer with broadband Internet and speakers

Bonus! Everyone who registers receives my new booklet How To Talk To Teachers. This booklet of essential tips is not available anywhere else. Sign up now!

What Does It Mean To “Share”?

2011-07-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

A friend told me that she and her husband have different ideas of what sharing is all about. She said that her husband believes that sharing is giving some of what you have to someone else because you love him or her. But she believes that sharing is giving someone what you have because you don’t want it. Interesting…

Not only does this information call into question our own ideas of what it means to share, but it points out a central fact of parenting: each parent might have quite different ideas, rooted in how each parent was raised, and those ideas are equally valid. Both my friend and her husband believe in their ideas about sharing. Each believes the other’s ideas are wrong-headed. Both my friend and her husband are a bit bemused to discover such a fundamental difference in their partner, about a notion for which they each thought there was only one perspective.

My friend and her husband have two small children. How they will teach what it means to share remains to be seen. But they – and we all – are on notice that our partners may not agree with us on every point. And we cannot assume that we are always right.

What about you? Do you and your child’s other parent (or grandparent) have opposing ideas about discipline or eating or entertainment or something else? How have you handled this?

Dads Do It Differently

2011-06-19T08:45:00.000-07:00

… and that’s the point.

There’s not just one right way to interact with children and mothers have not cornered the knowledge base in child-rearing. Fathers tend to be more physical, noisier, and more casual than moms. They bring a different vocabulary, different interests, and a different kind of fun. This is all good.

Honoring and respecting what dads bring shouldn’t happen just one day a year. Fathers are important in the lives of children every day. Wise mothers welcome the contributions of their children’s dad, even when the relationship between the parents is strained or non-existent.

And wise fathers keep their kids front and center in their lives. Know the name of your child’s teacher, your child’s favorite book, who your child’s best friend is. Know how to put your kids to bed, how to pack their lunchbox, how to play their favorite game.

And, mothers: get out of the way.

Raising Kids is F-ing Hard

2011-06-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

And you don’t have to take my word for it.

Witness the best-seller status of Adam Mansbach’s “picture book” Go the F--k to Sleep and the overnight viral status of the Samuel L. Jackson reading of the book on Audible.com.

Unless you’ve been on a digital diet this past week, you’ve heard about Mansbach’s book, which looks like a bedtime book for a toddler and sounds like a bedtime book for a toddler… except for the parent-narrator’s increasingly aggravated and profane asides as his child resists all attempts to put her to sleep. Mansbach was featured on NPR and the Jackson reading seems to be everywhere. Why?

Because Mansbach has put a voice to a normal condition of parenthood: frustration. Being a parent means dealing with an irrational, self-centered and totally charming person whose sense of priorities is completely out of whack. Toddlers don’t care that you’re tired. They don’t care that you’ve had a hard day. They are oblivious to your hopes for enjoying just some microwaved popcorn and a DVD with your partner. And all the sweet prose and pretty illustrations in the world won’t make a child sleepy if she’s just not.

Mansbach’s book does an excellent job of mimicking the saccharine rhymes of the typical bedtime book, even as the façade slips and the narrator’s annoyance rises. Ricardo Cortes’s illustrations mock the form by mixing kid’s book idealized natural settings with realistic family portrayals. The message seems to be that the real life of families is not so simple as the manuals make it. The real life of families is a lot more challenging. Sometimes every good parent feels pushed to the edge.

Mansbach’s narrator wails at one point, “My life is a failure. I’m a shitty-ass parent,” and we know how that feels. We’ve all been there, brought to our knees by a child who doesn’t even reach our knees.

Mansbach’s book lets us know that we’re not alone. If every parent feels this way sometimes, then there’s hope for us and our family. While this is definitely not a book to read to a child, it is a book to read to yourself, after the kids are in bed.

Did you have an imaginary friend?

2011-06-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

When you were little did you have a friend no one else could see? Many kids do. I had an imaginary sheepdog named Donawell. My sister had a friend called Kelly. One of my sons was an imaginary dog named Towhee.

If you had an imaginary friend – or if a child you know has one – what do you think about that? What do you think it means to a child to create a person no one else can see...

And then, find out more about imaginary friends and imaginary worlds in the latest issue of The Sleepless Parent. If you didn’t get your copy, read it HERE.

Child As Billboard

2011-06-06T12:54:00.000-07:00

You have strong views. You’re passionate about some things. But is it fair to recruit your infant child as your advertiser?

A Toronto couple apparently think so. They share strong views about gender equality and deep concerns about the differential treatment Canadian society imposes based on gender (and you thought this was only a U.S. problem!). As a result, they decided to keep secret the sex of their new child, who is neutrally named “Storm.” This carries a step further the not-uncommon parental prohibition against pink and blue in the nursery and the inclination to stock the playroom with both dolls and blocks, trucks and tea sets.

I submit that using a child to make a statement of your personal views is supremely selfish and disrespectful. It turns the child into an object – a billboard if you will. The child in such a scheme is not a child at all, but a symbol, a vehicle for its parents’ proselytizing. It doesn’t matter if the cause is “worth the sacrifice,” because the child isn’t a volunteer.

I suspect Storm’s sex won’t remain a secret very long and unless its parents are truly obsessed by this or reveal even more self-centeredness, the effect of this small bit of selfishness won’t be very damaging. It will likely have less of a life-long effect than late-19th century Texas governor Jim Hogg, who named his baby daughter Ima.

WHAT'S YOUR EXPERIENCE? Do you know of parents who seem to take advantage of their kids for their own ends? Or do you think that this is just part of establishing a "family brand"?

Practice Babies: One Way To Learn Parenting Skills

2011-01-20T09:05:00.000-08:00

Earlier this month, All Things Considered on NPR ran a story about "practice babies" - a part of an old college homemaking skills course for women in which orphans were used to provide hands-on experience in mothering. Listen to the story here:

http://www.npr.org/2011/01/06/132708047/practice-babies-an-outdated-practice-discovered

and then listen to a follow-up story featuring a women who was enrolled in the course and remembers her "practice baby":

http://www.npr.org/2011/01/12/132869061/Letters-Practice-Babies

Which brings up the question: how did YOU learn to become a parent? Take a 14-question survey here:

http://tinyurl.com/parentingsurvey

and help me with my grant-funded research project.

The Checkout Line – What Really Happened!

2010-12-18T09:32:00.000-08:00

Recently I told you about the child overheard wailing incoherently in a checkout line. So how did the parent handle this?

Well… he (it was a man, presumably Dad) could have done a lot of things. Check out some of his options in the Checkout Line Challenge Flowchart. What he DID do was this:

He yelled, “Shut up!”

The result? Every person in the line for the ATM, where I was standing, turned around to gawk. He certainly got our attention. The child? The child continued to wail. No effect.

There’s no telling, of course, what would have been more effective. But Dad would’ve scored points with all the eavesdropping adults had he:

• Asked the child in a kindly voice what was wrong

• Picked the child out of the grocery cart and patted her soothingly

• Asked the child to help move stuff from the cart to the conveyor belt

If Dad had simply ignored the child and let her wail, he at least would’ve garnered some sympathy. And the child would not have learned – yet again, apparently – that yelling and wailing is an acceptable way to make a point.

See something happen between a parent and child that you’d like to have me post as a challenge? Email it to info@patricianananderson.com. Put Challenge in the subject line. And be sure to tell also how the situation turned out!

Challenges in Parenting

2010-12-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

Challenge #1: The Checkout Line

Here is a real-life family event I observed recently. Think about how it might have been handled by the parent and leave your best guess in the comment box (and guess how successful the parent’s actions might have been). In an upcoming post I’ll fill you in on what really happened.

I was standing in line at the ATM inside a busy grocery store this week, where I couldn’t help but overhear what was going on in the checkout line behind me. A preschool child – maybe four years old by the sound of the voice – was whining quite loudly and not very coherently. It was the kind of whaaa-AHHH-uh-MAHhhh sort of sound that is annoying in its very refusal to “use your words.”

Let’s assume for the sake of argument that the child is typically developing and there are no other major issues going on. If you were the parent, trying to buy your groceries and get home, what would you do?

What do you think the parent did in this situation, and how did that work out? Leave a comment!

See something happen between a parent and child that you’d like to have me post as a challenge? Email it to info@patricianananderson.com. Put Challenge in the subject line. And be sure to tell also how the situation turned out!

The Terrible Twos

2010-09-14T09:24:00.000-07:00

Granddaughter #2 turned two in July but, as her mother said, became two last week. The formerly adaptable Miss S overnight turned into a different child: clingy, defiant, and frustrated all rolled into one. Tears are as plentiful as rain. "No" is the most frequent word in her lexicon. Her mother's attention is both deeply desired and a threat. Last week Miss S fully realized that she is an independent person but at the same time discovered that she can't get what she wants much of the time. Most of the time, "what she wants" is a mystery, even to her.

It's hard, being two.

It's not easy being the parent of a two-year-old either. If this is your situation, remember that things will get better. You can help your child ease through the frustration by being comforting and supportive. It doesn't help to be angry or demanding. Your two-year-old needs help to regain some calm. She needs to know that you're there to love and support her and to keep her from becoming consumed by angry feelings. Your child needs you to cool things down.

Twos make us parents earn our stripes. This is the first real test.

Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/steelmore/221737671/

Children Analyze Your Every Move

2010-08-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

Three- and four-year-olds watched a puppet select toys from a container. The contents of the container varied: sometimes the container held only one type of toy; sometimes it held half one sort and half another sort of toy; and sometimes the container held 82% one sort of toy and only 12% of another sort. In each condition, the puppet always selected the same type of toy, which was always the toy that was represented least.

So, if the toys were all balls, some red and some blue, in the all-one-type condition the container held only blue balls. In the 50-50 condition the container held equal numbers of blue and red balls. And in the 82-12 condition the container held mostly red balls with a few blue ones. The puppet always chose blue balls.

When asked later what sort of toy the puppet would like to play with, the children were able to make reasonable predictions, based on the choices they had seen the puppet make. Children who saw the puppet select blue balls from the all-blue container selected red and blue balls equally frequently. They realized that they did not know if the puppet preferred blue to red balls at all. Children who saw the puppet select only blue balls from the 50-50 container gave the puppet many more blue balls than red ones. But children who saw the puppet select only blue balls from the container in which there were nearly seven times as many red balls almost exclusively chose blue balls as the puppet’s choice. Children were able to make selections based on their own analysis of another’s preference, based on the odds that the individual’s prior choices were or were not attributable merely to chance.

Do I need to point out that this is statistics? I work hard trying to get graduate students to understand what these tiny children understood intuitively.

This is amazing and interesting, but what else? Well, think of the choices you make routinely and realize that your kids are not only paying attention but making assumptions about value. Is children’s rejection of vegetables a response to observing that the adults around them don’t freely choose vegetables as frequently as they choose other foods? Do kids pick up on what is “the best” leisure time activity by analyzing how parents spend their time?

Being a parent takes on a whole new wrinkle when we realize that kids understand the values our choices imply.

Tired Of Tantrums

2010-08-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

There's not much kids do that's more upsetting - to the emotions and the schedule - than a tantrum. Yet not only are tantrums a way of life for preschoolers (the Terrible Twos didn't get their name by accident!) but tantrum behavior can continue into childhood, the teen years and - dare we say it? - into adulthood.

But the most common strategies for handling tantrums actually don't work all that well, as you might have noticed. So tonight my monthly teleseminar in the Achieving Self-Discipline series turns its attention to what does work well. In tonight's call, you'll be reminded of the things that trigger tantrums and you'll be given specific, simple strategies for handling each one. We'll talk about defiance too.

If you're tired of tantrums and ready to be more effective in defusing them and in reducing their frequency, then be on the call tonight, 7 pm Pacific Time (8 pm Mountain, 9 pm Central and 10 pm Eastern). Registration information is right here.

Busy this evening? Register anyway and get the mp3 of the call and the call script sent right to your inbox later this week.

The Education of Famous People

2010-08-21T11:48:00.000-07:00

How Lincoln Learned To Read, by Daniel Wolff, is a really fascinating look at how a dozen famous folks created themselves, pretty much by themselves. I was struck by a couple things: that most of these notable Americans were problem-children, most of them flailed around as they struggled to find their niche, and that what each of these most needed to know was not something they learned in school. The message for moms and dads, here at the beginning of a new school year, is that although school success is certainly nice, of greater importance are persistence, a willingness to take chances, and a focus on what one really wants to do and feels good at.

One other thing stood out for me. Most of the people profiled learned to read at home. We make a huge fuss about reading instruction these days, forgetting entirely that not so long ago everyone learned to read through the efforts of just their mothers (busy mothers who cooked, cleaned, tended a garden and birthed and raised half a dozen children). Certainly the notables Wolff chose as his subjects might have been exceptional children. But not just they learned to read. Nearly everyone (who was permitted to read) did.

Wolff's subjects include Benjamin Franklin, Abigail Adams, Andrew Jackson, Sojourner Truth, Abraham Lincoln, Thocmetony (aka Sarah Winnemucca Hopkins), Henry Ford, W.E.B. Dubois, Helen Keller, Rachel Carson, John Kennedy, and Elvis Presley.... a diverse and interesting group that Wolff manages to weave together in a six-degrees-of-separation sort of way.

I highly recommend this book. It's fascinating and instructive as guide to thinking about the best way to educate children in general - and about the best way to educate especially the children you love.

Problem Reveals Math Stumbling Block

2010-08-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

How would your child solve this math problem?

4 + 3 + 2 = ( ) + 2

A recent study comparing US student solutions to those reached by kids in China and Korea shows that 70% of middle school American students tend to solve this problem as if they were using a calculator - and get the wrong answer!

American students read this as 4 + 3 + 2 = 9 + 2 = 11, which is how a calculator might deliver the results. If you key in 4 + 3 + 2 then hit the equals sign, you get 9 and if you then continue to key in + and 2, you receive an answer of 11.

However, the correct way to read the problem is 4 + 3 + 2 = 7 + 2. This interpretation of the problem asks "what, plus 2, equals the result obtained when you add 4, 3, and 2?" Imagine that the parentheses are replaced by X so the problem looks this way:

4 + 3 + 2 = X + 2

Chinese and Korean students almost always solved the problem correctly.

So... moms and dads.... teachers.... it's highly likely that your children make the mistake of thinking like a calculator - 7 out of 10 kids do - and miss the algebraic aspect of problems like these. Keep an eye out for this sort of error and be ready to reteach the correct way of thinking.

It's time to start gearing up for school. And maybe it's time to take away the calculator!

Popeye Part Of Successful Vegetable Strategy

2010-08-09T08:39:00.000-07:00

No luck getting veggies into your young child? A new Thai study showed that a multi-faceted approach can increase kindergarteners' vegetable acceptance from two vegetables to four and can double overall vegetable intake.

Key elements of the eight-week program were these: planting vegetable seeds, making veggie soup, holding vegetable tasting parties, teacher-modeling of good eating during school lunch, and involvement of parents at home. In addition, cartoons featuring spinach-loving Popeye were shown to the kids. In addition to the numerical findings, parents reported children's greater interest in vegetables and talk about vegetables.

Those of us wanting to encourage vegetable consumption don't have the obvious advantage of peer pressure from twenty-five kindergarten classmates or the valuable endorsement of a kindergarten teacher. But we can do more to make vegetables visible in our kids' lives. Try making regular visits to farmers' markets, just to see what's there. Try weekly tasting parties organized around a theme: all orange vegetables, or all vegetables that are flowers, or whatever. Steam the veggies if that makes sense and ask everyone to nominate his favorite. Try keeping a vegetable journal or creating a vegetable adventure story. Get creative! You might even watch an episode or two of Popeye...

Source: Chutima Sirikulchayanonta, Kingkarn Iedsee, Poonsook Shuaytong, Suwat Srisorrachatr. Using food experience, multimedia and role models for promoting fruit and vegetable consumption in Bangkok kindergarten children. Nutrition & Dietetics, 2010; 67 (2): 97

2010-07-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

Searching through old files today, I happened upon this. It seems like a good thought for the day...

Woman With Flower

I wouldn’t coax the plant if I were you.

Such watchful nurturing may do it harm.

Let the soil rest from so much digging

And wait until it’s dry before you water it.

The leaf’s inclined to find its own direction;

Give it a chance to seek the sunlight for itself.

Much growth is stunted by too much prodding.

Too eager tenderness.

The things we love we have to learn to leave alone.

---Naomi Long Madgett

Worthy Work To Do

2010-07-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my seven-year-old grandson needed something to do while visiting at my home. He happily got to work at my suggestion, trimming the encroaching tomato plants and picking blueberries. But then he needed something more. Hmmm...

I asked him if he wanted to dig a hole in the yard and install an old bear that had been carved from a fencepost sometime in the distant past. I wasn't sure he could manage it, actually. It's been dry here lately and the ground is hard. But he tackled the job with enthusiasm and after a half hour's steady work had a hole deep enough and wide enough to fit the bottom end of the post. He backfilled the hole and tamped down the dirt. He was dirty and sweaty but very pleased with himself.

And that's the value of engaging children in worthy work: a sense of accomplishment and pride, the mastery of new skills, and a feeling of contribution to the family. Kids of all ages need this sort of engagement but too often we parents (and grandparents) forget to ask. Or we ask in the wrong way or suggest the wrong tasks.

If you've had trouble getting your kids to be helpful, and if assigning chores at your house seems like more trouble than it's worth, then do listen in to Cheerful Responsbility, a conversation happening via teleconference this Monday, July 26th, as part of the ongoing Achieving Self-Discipline series. If you can't attend on the 26th, register anyway and get the mp3 of the call.

It's never too late or too early to engage your children in worthy work. And the benefits - for them and for you - are huge. Find out more HERE.

Three Family Styles, Three Outcomes For Kids

2010-07-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

A new study identifies three types of family dynamics leading to three different behavior pattens in children. Cohesive families are the happiest. In these families, parents are supportive, nice to each other and to the kids, and encourage high standards and consistent rules. Lead researcher Melissa Sturge-Apple from University of Rochester suggests that the TV family the Huxtables, from The Bill Cosby Show, exemplify the cohesive family. Children in cohesive families are well-adjusted, self-directed, and socially adept.

Not so happy are the other two sorts of families, labeled "disengaged" and "enmeshed." In disengaged families, parents are cold and controlling with a great deal of emotional distance between family members. Feelings may never be discussed. Researchers suggest that the "pleasant suburban family" in the film Ordinary People behaves in ways typical of disengaged families. Their children tend to be more aggressive than other kids, even in the early grades, and to be disruptive, uncooperative, and lacking in focus.

Enmeshed families are characterized by a combination of low warmth and high levels of hostility, over-involvement in family members' lives, and a lack of boundaries. Enmeshed families meddle with each other and wrestle for control. The study authors point to the TV family in Everybody Loves Raymond as an example of an enmeshed family. Children of enmeshed families display high levels of anxiety, particularly as they move through school, and feel increasingly lonely and isolated from their peers.

The study, published yesterday in Child Development, confirms the long-held idea that family systems and parenting style have impact on children's behaviors and emotional development. It's obvious that parents who are in conflict with each other or have difficulty with emotional intimacy affect their kids in ways that might have long-term effects.

Family matters.

Keep The Lines Of Communication Open

2010-07-13T15:35:00.000-07:00

As kids get older (before you know it, actually), it becomes more and more difficult for them to ask mom and dad about touchy subjects. It's ironic: just at the point children are able to wonder about sex, ethics, injustice and social incongruities they also are able to understand that these topics might not be easy to launch as dinner table conversation. The three-year-old who could frankly ask about anything becomes the nine-year-old or thirteen-year-old who's reluctant to put his parents on the spot or to reveal his own curiosity and lack of knowledge.

Into this communication gap steps Seattle's Amy Lang with The Ask ANYTHING Journal. Kids write their questions, you write the answer back and Ta-da! conversation started! No embarrassing eye contact. No searching in real time for the right words. And summer's the perfect time to bring the journal into your home. Get your copy. Leave it and a pen in your child's room, maybe with a kick off message from you on page one. See what happens...

Best of all, Amy is holding a Summer Sale right now. Get The Ask ANYTHING Journal for just $9.95 - that's five bucks off the regular price. Check it out (literally and figuratively) right HERE.

Do You Have A Favorite Child?

2010-07-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

... And if you do, can you admit that?

Parents are naturally reluctant to admit that they like one of their children better than the rest. But having a favorite is not all that uncommon. So how big a problem is this, for your children and for yourself as a parent? Listen to today's podcast, called Playing Favorites, on parentingafieldguidelive.com and find out.

Here's the link: http://parentingafieldguidelive.com/playing_favorites

Playing Favorites

2010-07-06T11:16:00.000-07:00

The other day a mother of a couple of kids confessed that she likes one of the children more than the other one. It was clear that she wasn't happy about this but that it was the way things are. Which got me thinking...

Maybe it's commonplace for children to believe their siblings are favored over them. Look at all the fairy tales that include an under-appreciated kid surrounded by arrogant, unpleasant and unaccountably coddled siblings. If you're as old as I am, you remember comedian Tom Smothers's frequent retort to his more urbane brother: "Mom always liked you best!"

But do many parents really have a favorite child? How common is this feeling among parents? And do parents who say they have a favorite feel guilty about it or do they feel the favoritism is okay or even justified?

Next week's podcast on Parenting: A Field Guide LIVE! will consider this issue.... you'll want to listen. But ahead of that, I'd like to know your experiences. Please help me get a handle on this by answering this short, completely anonymous survey. Just click on the link right here: Click here to take survey

Parenting: A Field Guide LIVE! Podcast Is Here

2010-07-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

Should you get your child a pet? Find out the sorts of things you might want to think about first...

Listen here.

Listen to archived podcasts and subscribe at http://www.parentingafieldguidelive.com/.

Should You Get Your Child A Pet?

2010-07-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

... And what if the pet was there first?

The podcast tomorrow looks at pets and kids. Why you might get one, what factors to consider first, how to integrate a child into your pet's life if the child is the family newcomer, and all the pros and cons we can think of surounding the notion of having pets and kids at the same time.

I'd love to know your thoughts, so make a comment. Did you have a pet as a child? Does your kid now have a pet or want a pet? What's been the result of all that? What would you do differently, if you could?

Full disclosure: I've always had a pet of some sort and right now share my home with a big dog (that's a picture of him last year on his 8th birthday) and a tough cat. The cat was my son's until he moved away. That's one of the issues we want to look at: who gets the pet when the family changes?

I want to hear from you. And be sure to catch the podcast. It will be up on the podcast site at 4 pm (Pacific) on Monday.

Ignoring It Won't Make It Go Away

2010-06-28T11:59:00.000-07:00

When my boys were young (I was younger then too!) and the family was undergoing some catastrophic changes, I didn't reach out to anyone. I didn't get any help.

I remember not knowing where to turn, thinking any help I might locate would cost more money than I had, and believing that things were not so bad for my kids as they really seemed. I didn't want to admit, to myself or to anyone else, that our lives had spun out of control and that we needed help. We really did.

As you can imagine, ignoring things wasn't an effective plan. It probably prolonged the difficulties and inflicted unnecessary damage on my children. But from my current vantage point as an older, wiser and greatly better educated person than I used to be, these memories help me understand when parents refuse to seek assistance and instead opt to muddle along, making a mess of things. I understand but I still don't buy it. It's still not right.

So... I want to make reaching out for help as easy as it can be. I've created a twice-montly teleconference I hope you or parents you know will take advantage of. It's free. It's regular as clockwork. And it's supportive. I've been where you are and I know how it feels.

If you're interested, get the dial-in number on the Classes for Parents page on my website. The first teleconference happens July 5th.

What If My Child Is Gay?

2010-06-25T08:38:00.000-07:00

Gay Pride celebrations will be enjoyed across the nation this weekend, which makes this a perfect time to re-read this page from Parenting: A Field Guide, page 101.

What If My Child Is Gay?

Sexual orientation is something your child is born with. It makes as much sense to ask, “What if my child has blue eyes?” as it does to ask, “What if my child is gay?” Sexual orientation should matter as much to parents as eye color.

And it could if the world were fair. But as long as there’s discrimination against gays and lesbians, there will be concern among parents. The concern, though, is not about how you can turn your kid straight. You can’t. The concern is about how you can support your kid in an unfair world.

The first way to support your child is not to second-guess her sexuality from childhood on. Constant analysis of her preferences and interests for clues to her orientation will only make both of you unhappy.

The second way to support your child is to encourage her interests even if they are not traditional for her sex. You will do this for your straight children so do it for your gay child as well. Whichever of your kids wants to grow up to be a firefighter, a horse trainer, an artist, an actor, or a computer programmer is worthy of your support.

The third way to support your child is not to try to assign blame for her sexual orientation. Although sexual orientation, like eye color, is genetically determined that doesn’t mean that one side of the family or the other is “at fault” for your child’s homosexuality or for her green eyes.

The fourth way to support your child is not to tolerate intolerance in your relatives, in her school, or in anyone else, including yourself. Your child deserves the “unconditional positive regard” of the universe, to use the famous phrase of psychologist Carl Rogers, just as your other kids do. You are a big part of your kid’s universe. Create for her the best possible world.

Create for all of us the best possible world. Embrace the diversity within us.
March in the parade - literally or figuratively - this weekend.

Even Two-Year-Olds Can Negotiate With Playmates

2010-06-24T08:14:00.000-07:00

A study conducted at University of Gothenburg (Sweden) found that two- and three-year-old children are able to collaborate and cooperate in organizing play activities. In what might seem astonishing to parents, very young preschoolers showed great ability to consider others' point of view and use a variety of negotiation strategies to settle on both the content and conduct of play.

The researchers point out that successful play negotiations arise from agreement: the children have personally committed to playing equitably before negotiations start. In cases where one or both children intend to dominate the other and dictate the play, negotiation is less successful.

The take-home message, according to researcher Torgeir Alvestad, is to avoid stepping in too soon. Let kids work it out, since negotiation is part of the play activity. Good advice for parents of kids of all ages, now as the summer begins.

The Brain Restructures Itself On The Job

2010-06-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

Imagine a world in which your car creates itself in the first few months after it rolls off the assembly line. Imagine your car adding the ability to steer both to the left and the right while you're driving it down the road.

A study released this week by the Max Planck Institute proposes that something similar happens in the brains of young mammals - including in your baby's brain. Baby brains are so active, the study's researchers propose, not because there's so much to learn but because there's so much left to build. Brains restructure themselves while maintaining existing systems, something akin to cooking dinner while replacing the stove.

"This is an enormous achievement by the brain -- undertaking such a restructuring while continuing to function," says Wolfgang Keil, lead scientist in the study.

What does this mean for us? It seems to explain the permanence of the effects of some early experiences - and the existence of critical periods for development in key areas. Since the brain is actively creating itself during the first years of life, the "finished" brain is not so plastic as we might have thought. A person cannot go back and develop language if this was missing in early life, because the structure of the brain itself - not just neural connections - have been established and cannot be changed.

Rich experience counts. Make sure your infant and toddler are getting it all.
____________
Source: Wolfgang Keil, Karl-Friedrich Schmidt, Siegrid Löwel and Matthias Kaschube. Reorganization of columnar architecture in the growing visual cortex. PNAS, June 21, 2010

More Computer Use Doesn't Mean Higher Test Scores

2010-06-21T10:59:00.000-07:00

A study conducted at Duke University found that low-income students whose families acquired computers were likely to experience a reduction in end-of-grade test scores. This counter-intuitive finding is explained by an accompanying survey of how the computer was used: kids who reported using the computer for game play and socializing with friends showed less school achievement. Disadvantaged homes, in which parents monitored computer use less and supported reading and homework completion less than more privileged parents, experienced this drop in school success following their family's computer purchase.

Because the study was conducted between 2000 and 2005, before the explosion in use of Facebook, MySpace, and other social networking sites, the researchers presume that the effect might be even greater today.

So, what's the take-home message here? As even we adults can attest, the playful and social opportunities computers provide are a distraction from the work computers can do. All kids, who have a less-well-developed ability to focus and to discipline their attention, need parents to help them stay on-task. Not only that, but computer use that reduces other activities, like reading and messing around with real stuff, naturally reduces opportunities for learning.

Get your kids away from the machines for most of their leisure time.

SurvivorDad’s Kid-To-Go Toolkit: Part Three

2010-06-18T10:07:00.000-07:00

And now for the final additions to the SurvivorDad's Toolkit. In the tradition of the great Les Stroud, TV’s Survivorman, and just in time for Father’s Day weekend, we offer these basic ideas for dads (and moms) venturing out with kids this summer. You don’t need Stroud’s all-purpose multi-tool to be prepared for fun, but you do need some Essentials, some Basics, and even some Surprises. We started Wednesday with the Essentials. Yesterday, we moved ahead to the Basics. Today, we finish up with some Surprises. Here are three great ideas for things to pack for your next outing.

Surprises

A Bedsheet
Use a sheet as something to sit on, as a picnic table cover, to make a pup tent to nap in (the kids, not you – or, wait, yes, maybe a nap for everyone), or as a sunshade (knot two corners around sticks or tree branches and weight down the other end of the sheet with stones to make a slanting shelter). You can also use it to make a bundle to carry other things in. You can use it to wipe off a rain-splashed slide or swing seat.

A bedsheet is easier to fold, wad up and carry around than blankets or plasticized groundcloths. However, if you venture out often on damp or rainy days (not uncommon here in the Pacific Northwest) you might want to substitute a plastic-coated fabric tablecloth.

A Frisbee
Get a regulation-sized Frisbee, not a kid-sized one, and get it in white if you can. Use it to play Frisbee, of course, or to roll back and forth between you. But the surprises come in all the other things you can do with it.

Use your Frisbee as a plate for snacks, as a temporary corral for interesting bugs, a container for seawater or lake water so you can see what animals are in there (this is why white is the best color choice), a basin for rinsing hands or for just toddler splashing, a shallow bowl for the dog’s water, and as something to balance on your head while trying to walk from point to point. A Frisbee makes a great boat when playing Poohsticks, though you may want to string some sort of catchment downstream or risk losing your disc. (If you’ve never played Poohsticks, and don’t know what I’m talking about, find out more here.)

You’ll think of more uses. Get a Frisbee.

Two Lengths Of Cotton Clothesline
Six or eight feet should do it. Use these as jump ropes, as the starting and stopping lines in a race, to define a circular area to explore in careful detail – what animals and tiny plants are within the circle? – or a circular area to serve as home base in a game of tag, or as the roof line of a bedsheet tent.

Old-fashioned cotton clothesline – about a quarter-inch in diameter – is soft and wads up nicely into a small package. If you can’t find it, nylon rope will do – singe the ends so they don’t unravel. Remember that rope is not a plaything that kids should without supervision.

So there you have it: the Essentials, the Basics and the Surprises in the SurvivorDad’s Kids-To-Go Toolkit. Let us know: which of these ideas are you going to try next? What other ideas can you add? Leave a comment!

SurvivorDad’s Kid-To-Go Toolkit: Part Two

2010-06-17T09:50:00.000-07:00

Even a casual trip around the block can benefit from a toolkit. So, in the tradition of the great Les Stroud, TV’s Survivorman, we offer these basic ideas for dads (and moms) venturing out with kids this summer. You don’t need Stroud’s all-purpose multi-tool to be prepared for fun, but you do need some Essentials, some Basics, and even some Surprises. We started yesterday with the Essentials. Today, we move ahead to the Basics. You probably have these lying around the house already. Get them together and stuff them into a backpack you can carry along on your next outing.

The Basics

A Tennis Ball
Play catch with this, but also roll it down a slide or bounce it off a wall. Use it as the hidden object in a game of hide-and-seek. A tennis ball is a wonderful ice-breaker when your kid meets a possible playmate and wants to get some interaction going. A clean tennis ball (not the one the dog plays with) makes a fine toy for toddlers too. If you have a tennis ball, you’re ready for fun.

A Bottle Of Bubble Stuff
Nothing is cheaper than bubble stuff and it’s great for those moments when you’re waiting for a bus, standing in line to get into the zoo, or wondering when grandma will show up. Very small children have difficulty with blowing bubbles but are delighted to watch them fly.

Empty Bags
You need at least one of these even for a quick walk around the neighborhood. Kids on the go attract sticks, pretty rocks, shells and other bits of treasure and having a bag to put things in not only keeps your hands and pockets free of debris but also sets a limit on how much your kid can collect (choose smaller bags, not big ones!). You can use reusable cloth pouches with drawstrings (you’ll probably have to run these up yourself on the sewing machine, though they are available online) or plastic baggies, less environmentally correct but readily available. Have at least one bag per child when you’re walking together anywhere.

Empty Paper Drink Cups
These are super for carrying water to a sandy area and for scooping the sand itself. Use cups to capture insects or fish for closer examination and as an alternative to bags for holding found treasures. If you forgot to bring bags, look around and recycle a trashed drinks cup.

Tomorrow we move beyond the Basics to the Surprises – things you might not have thought of but are easy to take along. In the meantime, though, let us know: what do you find most helpful on an outing with your kids? Leave a comment!

SurvivorDad’s Kid-To-Go Toolkit: Part One

2010-06-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

In the tradition of the great Les Stroud, TV’s Survivorman, and just in time for Father’s Day weekend, we offer these essentials for dads (and moms) venturing out with kids this summer. You don’t need Stroud’s all-purpose multi-tool to be prepared for fun, but you do need some Essentials, some Basics, and even some Surprises. We start today with the Essentials. Get these together today…

The Essentials

First aid kit
Let’s face it: with small kids, you need a first aid kit even for a walk around the block. In an old Altoid’s tin pack a few Band-Aids, a couple Handi-Wipes, a tweezer and a Q-Tip. The tweezer would have been great for me last summer when my grandson handled some odd maple tree seeds and got his fingers full of prickles. The Q-Tip helps to lift dirt out of the corner of an eye (dampen it first). In addition, make sure you’ve got sunscreen. There’s a lot of conversation about sunscreen safety and you may want to pay attention to that, especially for infants. But sunburn should be avoided and sunscreen of some sort is the way to go. If your kids are allergic to bees or if you or your child’s mother is, you may want to carry an EpiPen too. Make sure you know how and when to use it.

Water
Pack water, not juice or soda. Manufacturer-bottled water is fine and easy to get if you’re okay with that and if you promise to recycle the bottles. Or pack water in kid-safe containers, like stainless steel (not aluminum or plastic). These should be freshly refilled, not water that’s been in the car for days.

Nutritious Snacks
A hungry child is a whiney child. Pack high-energy, easy to eat foods that won’t melt, crush or make a kid thirsty. You can try kid energy bars. Experts advise choosing bars made from natural ingredients and low in fats and sugars; high-protein is not usually appropriate for children so avoid protein bars as a rule. Read the labels and taste-test before leaving home, if you can. Cheerios in a baggie are portable, cheap and nutritious. Cheese cubes, especially of firm, mild cheeses (though kids I know like cubes of Parmesan), hold up well even in heat. Apples (or apple slices) are a traditional trail food, along with raisins or other fruit. Try to pack things that make minimal mess and trash.

Hats To Keep Off Sun Or Rain
Whatever your child will keep on works. But if you have a flexible child, choose a white or light-colored cotton full-brim “fisherman’s hat” that can be wadded up and stuffed in a pocket or even dampened with water to help kids keep cool on a hot day. Hats make great containers, too, for treasures that can’t be left behind.

Something To Put Trash And Recyclables In
Your pocket will work but make sure everyone knows that there is a designated place to put trash. If you’d prefer, stuff a bag in your pocket before you head out.

Tomorrow we move beyond the Essentials to the Basics. In the meantime, though, let us know: what do you find most helpful on an outing with your kids? Leave a comment...

Web-based Reading Interferes With Comprehension

2010-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

Now that the educational world has fully embraced the use of hypertext, in online college courses and even online high schools, and now that many of us get our news and information on the web, there is new research that suggests reading hypertext interferes with comprehension. It may even rewire the brain to scan instead of reflect. The use of images, embedded links, and sidebar information also seems to derail understanding.

Read the full article in this month's issue of Wired magazine. Here's the link.

Do You Follow Family Field Notes?

2010-06-14T10:00:00.000-07:00

Family Field Notes is my weekday three-minute podcast of thoughts on kids and parenting. Each "field note" is read from Parenting: A Field Guide and gives listeners a little something to ponder each day....

If you haven't heard Family Field Notes yet, listen right now to today's entry or visit the podcast site and search for a field note that fits what you're concerned about in your family right now. Parents of kids of all ages will find guidance in these quick posts.

You can subscribe and get the podcast in your email inbox each morning or subscribe in iTunes.

See BABIES This Weekend!

2010-05-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the documentary film Babies yet, make sure you do that this weekend. It's not only a beautiful view into family interactions in four cultures, but food for thought about the assumptions we each make about child development and child-rearing. Because the film will have a limited run, don't wait! If you blink, the film will be gone. See it now!

Two things will help you put the film in perspective. In my interview of director Thomas Balmes, I learned that all four families enjoy the same level of social and economic status in their respective cultures. So there is equity there that is helpful to know. And, second, all four families embrace the way their lives are portrayed and appreciate their own situations in comparison to those of the other families. It's easy for Western viewers to feel sorry for the Mongolian or Namibian families - how do they survive without the comforts we take for granted? However, these families - when they saw the film themselves - marveled at the lives of the American and Japanese families - how do they survive in such a fast-paced and unnatural setting?

An eye-opening film with images that will stay with you. See it this weekend!

BABIES Are Coming to Parenting: A Field Guide LIVE!

2010-05-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

I'm very excited that on Monday's radio show, I get to interview Thomas Balmes, director of the new documentary film, Babies, which will be in theatres starting Friday. Be sure to listen on 1150 AM KKNW in Seattle and streaming everywhere from www.1150kknw.com, this Monday May 3rd starting at 4 pm (the interview should last about 20 minutes).

And on the show, I'll be giving away more pairs of passes to an advanced showing of the film on Thursday this week, 7 pm, at Pacific Place in downtown Seattle. Listen and find out how you can get a pass for you and a friend!

Are Boys' And Girls' Brains Innately Different?

2010-04-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

Lise Eliot confirms the research: the answer is "no." That's not to say that boys' and girls' brains don't become different... but that biology is not the source of the difference. Social factors are.

Be Reminded of the Good Stuff You Do

2010-04-22T18:14:00.000-07:00

We focus so much on education and schools - important, of course! - that we sometimes forget how important home and family are in shaping our kids. It's no secret that children who are guided thoughtfully at home are the ones who do best in school... and in life.

So a visual reminder of just how important parents are might be a good idea for all of us - parents and educators alike. Take a look at our new poster. It measures 11 x 17 inches, so it will fit just about anywhere. I'd love to send you one.

No Parent Wants To Plan For Divorce

2010-04-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

And that's a problem. Because it means that when big decisions have to be made - decisions that will affect the children - no parent is ready. No one knows quite what to do. So parents tend to do what they think is the right step - they contact an attorney.

And attorney M. Marcy Jones thinks that's exactly the wrong move. Rather than starting down a path that is adversarial and pits one parent against the other, Marcy suggests a different path. Since research has shown that kids do far, far better when parents divorce amicably, avoiding conflict is very important. And Jones knows that avoiding conflict is important for the adults too.

Whether you suspect divorce might be in your future or you're concerned about a friend's marriage, find out more. Read Marcy Jones's new book, Graceful Divorce Solutions. And listen on Monday, April 19th, when Marcy will discuss alternatives to the courts on my radio program, Parenting: A Field Guide LIVE! Listen on 1150 AM KKNW in Seattle, starting at 4 pm Pacific time, or on the web anywhere in the world at http://www.1150kknw.com/.

Secrets Of Successful Parenting?

2010-04-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so what are they? The secrets of successful parenting...?

I'm doing a presentation tonight in Kent, WA as part of a program sponsored by Intercommunity Mercy Housing. And that's what I'll be talking about: the secrets of successful parenting. It's a presentation I've done before and like doing because it gets right down to what we think parenting and child-rearing is all about. So I'm asking you to think about this today, too...

What's your secret? What do successful parents do that less-successful ones don't do?

Being Spanked Makes Kids Hit

2010-04-12T13:36:00.000-07:00

If you're wondering why your child is so mean and aggressive, you might look first to your discipline methods. A new study in the journal Pediatrics reports that kids who are spanked frequently as preschoolers are more likely to hit than kids who are disciplined less physically.

Read the entire article here.

Win two free passes to BABIES the movie

2010-04-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! Focus Features has awarded me free passes to an advance showing of the new documentary film BABIES. The movie opens May 7th but you can see it at an exclusive Seattle screening on May 6th.

I'll be giving away three pairs of tickets at my seminar Brain Development & Early Learning: What You Can Do. Sign up for the seminar and be in the running to win tickets to this amazing film! Get more information on the seminar and enroll in the sidebar to the right.

Why Creativity Matters

2010-04-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Ken Richardson. He believes that schools miss the boat in focusing too narrowly on one type of learning - and one type of learner. In this video, Richardson imagines the English student Will Shakespeare... what would his teacher have done with him?

The World Needs All Kinds Of Minds

2010-04-02T08:09:00.000-07:00

Temple Grandin, a person diagnosed with autism whose affinity for animals led her to become the leading expert on humane treatment of cattle, talks about the value of different ways of thinking.

Grandin invites us to re-evaluate our own preconceived notions of knowledge and ability and to recognize the gifts in every child and every individual.

Can't get the video to run? Access the file at http://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds.html

Two Keys To Smarter Kids from John Medina

2010-03-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

John Medina, UW affiliate professor of neurobiology and author of Brain Rules, spoke last night at Town Hall in Seattle. It was a dynamic and fact-packed talk that delivered two main points for parents: the key to children’s success lies in an emotionally stable homelife and in getting enough sleep.

Here’s the deal. Executive processing (including impulse control, planning, problem solving, and the ability to shift attention smoothly) is the secret to people’s success. But executive processing is disrupted by stress and stress is created when the adults in children’s lives are unhappy. To have clear-thinking children, mom and dad have to be nice to each other. It’s that simple (and, more specifically, moms must feel their partners understand and support them. Are you listening, dads?).

Also… the reason for sleep is to organize and solidify learning and memory. Without sleep, whatever was “learned” must be relearned. Executive processing falters. It is not true that during sleep the brain shuts off and rests – far from it! During sleep the brain is relieved from paying attention to new stimuli so it can concentrate on making useful the stimuli that were absorbed during the day.

The bottom line for parents who want to know, as Medina says he’s often asked, “how to raise a kid who’ll be ready for Harvard” is retain or restore a solid emotional bond between parents (Medina directs parents to the work of John Gottman) and… make sure everyone gets enough sleep.

Babies Are Born To Dance

2010-03-23T10:22:00.000-07:00

ScienceDaily (2010-03-16) -- A study of infants finds they respond to the rhythm and tempo of music and find it more engaging than speech. The research suggest that babies may be born with a predisposition to move rhythmically in response to music. ... > read full article

Have You Played Today?

2010-03-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

Take a look at this video on the importance of play - important even for adults.

Ethical lapse in autism study

2010-02-02T09:10:00.000-08:00

According to CNN.com this morning "The medical journal The Lancet on Tuesday retracted a controversial 1998 paper that linked the measles, mumps and rubella (MMR) vaccine to autism."

CNN goes on to report, "Last week, the study's lead author Dr Andrew Wakefield was found to have acted unethically in conducting the research."

This is not unexpected. The supposed link between autism and childhood immunizations has been refuted by numerous studies since and respected researchers agree that childhood immunizations pose no risk of autism. Autism, experts agree, is an innate condition that is present at birth in nearly every case and cannot be caused by early childhood experiences.

Nonetheless,this one researcher's deception misled many parents over the past decade. His lies caused children to suffer from preventable childhood illnesses because their parents deprived them of immunizations in a futile attempt to guard against autism. This researcher's behavior is reprehensible.

The take-home message for everyone is this: never base actions on a single study. No one study ever "proves" anything. All scientific knowledge comes from an accumulation of evidence from multiple studies over time. In the case of autism and immunizations, those multiple studies over time refuted the findings of this 1998 study and smart parents discounted that study as somehow flawed. We now know smart parents were right.

It's always safer to wait for duplication of findings through well-run studies than to accept one study with unusual results.

Happy Solstice!

2009-12-20T19:02:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year and wherever you are hunkered down, this is a time of darkness but also of transformation. Soon the light returns, bit by bit.

It’s no wonder that we all get caught up in the magic of the season – or that so much that seems magical takes place this time of year. We all want to believe in Santa Claus. We all want to think that someone knows we’ve been as good as we can be, that someone is ready to fulfill our most secret dreams, and that the world can be sparkly and warm if we just believe it can be so.

It’s all right for kids to believe in Santa Claus. But it’s all right for adults to believe in Santa Claus too.

Because we are Santa Claus – to our children and also to ourselves. We have the power to see the goodness in our children and also in ourselves. We have the power to understand our children’s secret dreams and also our own. We have the power to make the world sparkly and warm for our kids and for us too.

I challenge you to believe. Believe in your own goodness and creative, loving power. Believe in your transformation.

Now, at the darkest time, believe that light is coming to you, like the sun, without your effort.

Open your eyes. See the glow.