Should Daddy Stay Home?

These days, in most newly-married households, both adults work. Then, when children come along, parents sometimes decide that one of them should stay home with the kids, either to reduce the cost of childcare or because quality childcare isn’t available. For as long as anyone can remember, that stay-at-home parent was the mom.

But there’s a shift underway. These days, with women earning more college degrees than men and with the rise of service-sector jobs, increasingly it’s the mother who earns more than the dad. According to Stephanie Coontz of the Council on Contemporary Families (as reported recently by National Public Radio), in more than a quarter of families (28%), it is the woman makes more money than her husband. The old notion that  the parent with the smaller paycheck should be the one who stays home with the children is leading to a rethinking of parental roles and a new appreciation of what fathers can do.

The U. S. Census Bureau reports that only 3.5 percent of families include a stay-at-home dad but this figure is thought way too low by most observers. It often misses fathers who work from home, either as telecommuting employees or as home-based entrepreneurs. Just as many stay-at-home mothers run businesses, many stay-at-home fathers have more than the children to think about during the day. In reporting their activities to the Census Bureau, stay-at-home dads are apparently less likely to credit childcare as their main activity than are stay-at-home mothers.

Being children’s chief caregiver is not a well-accepted role for men. They may be viewed as filling in for mom temporarily by teachers and pediatricians, who are more familiar with dealing with women. They may be ignored by fellow caregivers at the playground. And men may be thought somehow deficient in parenting skills, even though the most respected and best-selling authorities on parenting are male. Even mothers may doubt that dad knows what he’s doing.

But here’s the truth of the matter. While fathers typically interact differently with children than mothers do, this is simply a difference, not a deficiency. Men tend to be more physically active with their children and more supportive of exploration and problem-solving. According to the American Psychological Association, children raised with men as their primary caregiver have at least equal language skills, reading and math achievement, and social abilities compared to children raised by women. For parents of both sexes it comes down to who is more available and more comfortable in filling the stay-at-home parent role. If it’s the father, then that’s okay.

One of the great advances of the past thirty years is a rethinking of what is “women’s work” and what is “men’s work.” Another great advance is the availability at home of all the technology needed to do many creative and vital jobs from the convenience of one’s spare bedroom. It should come as no surprise that both mothers and fathers are taking advantage of these two innovations to craft a family support system that works for everyone: the adults and the children.

Should Daddy stay home? Maybe. It’s not a problem if he does.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved. Ask for Dr. Anderson’s new book, Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, at your favorite bookstore.

10 Tips For Traveling With Baby

Traveling with children under three is a challenge. Here are some thoughts to help your entire family have a good time with as little stress as possible.

1. Start Small. Start with a visit to a homey destination only a few hours away from home. Traveling to Grandma’s works fine but you can also choose a hotel with a kitchenette. Bring along that movie you’ve been wanting to watch and lovely snacks for you and your partner, since you might not get out on your own after baby goes down for the night.

2. Choose Electricity. A trip out with baby might work best with all the comforts and resources you’re used to.  While some hardy parents take their babies camping, you might find this works better when the kids are a bit older, more able to say when they’re too cold, and less likely to eat sticks and rocks.

3. Consider Trains. If you don’t want to drive, see if Amtrak can get you to a good get-away. Some advantages over car travel are that both parents are available to help with the child and there’s more room to move around – especially lovely at the squirmy toddler stage.

4. Take Only What You’ll Need. Every town has a place to buy diapers, formula, juice boxes and snacks. While you’ll want to have a day’s supply of everything, you probably don’t need to take a week’s supply even for a week-long adventure.

5. Take Only What You Can Lose. Of course you’ll need to take your child’s security object but try not to take anything else that can’t be replaced or is easily broken.  Be sure to take an extra hat, pair of shoes, and spare jacket for your child, since these are the things that tend to fall out of a stroller without making a sound.

6. Don’t Worry Too Much About Crying. If you’re traveling by air, there’s not much you can do if your baby starts crying at takeoff and keeps it up long into the flight. Apologize to your seatmates but let their snide comments roll off you. Ditto for crying in the hotel room.

7. Keep Your Toddlers Under Control. While babies can cry on an airplane, toddlers cannot wander the aisles, kick the seat in front of them, or generally carry on. Bring along whatever sure-fire toys, DVDs and snacks will keep your little person happy. Make keeping her happy your mission on the flight – you didn’t bring along anything you wanted to do, did you?

8. Remember Naps. Plan your sightseeing and visiting around a reasonable nap schedule. But your child may find napping difficult when you’re away from home, so a stroller or child carrier and a long walk through the countryside might need to become a daily pleasure.

9. Choose Destinations Wisely. There is plenty of time to take your child to your personal-favorite theme park or that big city restaurant you’ve heard so much about. If your child is too young to have a good time there, then you won’t have much fun either. Better to wait.

10. Be Determined To Have Fun. Your mother said it best: you have to make your own happiness. A good attitude will ensure you have a good time. But make certain before you go that you’re on the same page with your child’s other parent, especially about who gets to wrangle the kids.

Babies are wonderfully portable and toddlers nearly so. There’s no need to wait until your children can run away from you to take them on vacation. Just think ahead a little bit and the whole family will have a lovely time!

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson.  All rights reserved. Read more in Parenting: A Field Guide and in Developmentally Appropriate Parenting, both available now from your favorite book seller.

8 Ideas to Try - At Least Once! - With Your Kids This Summer

It’s right around the corner… that glorious time for staying up late, kicking back, and doing nothing at all. Make certain your children get all the summer that’s coming to them by including some of these ideas, even just once.

1.       Have at least one real picnic. You know, the kind where you spread a blanket on the grass and eat food with your fingers. It doesn’t have to be fancy – in fact, the best picnics are not fancy at all. The best picnics are casual, fun affairs.  Be sure to have at least one this summer.

2.       Watch fireworks at least once. Maybe it will be on the Fourth of July, maybe sometime else. But make sure you and your kids watch one professional fireworks display sometime this summer. Yes, I know, it makes the kids stay up late and, yes, I know, these events are crowded and buggy. But take a blanket to claim your space and some bug lotion and have a great time.

3.       Get back to nature at least once. Take a walk on the seashore, row across the lake, explore the woods, or hike up a mountain. You don’t have to go far – with small children you might not get very far at all. But take time to really look at things, especially things down at your child’s level. Bring along a baggie for the pretty rocks and interesting sticks that will need to come home with you.

4.       Enjoy outdoor entertainment at least once. Maybe it’s a ball game or outdoor concert. Maybe it’s a drive-in movie or a Renaissance fair. Sometime this summer, get out with the crowds and have a good time. Many of these events are free or low cost if you check around for what’s happening in your community.

5.       Take at least one road trip. Go by car, by bus or even by bicycle, but get out on the open road and travel from here to there.  Use a map to plot your route and be sure to stop at historical markers and roadside lemonade stands. Remember it’s not the destination that matters but the getting there.

6.       Camp out at least once. Even if it’s just in the backyard, sleep outside (or let your children sleep outside) sometime this summer. If you can have a campfire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows, even better! If you can stay up long enough to see the stars, double-good! Listen to the night noises and enjoy the peacefulness of the dark.

7.       Play in water at least once. Go swimming, run through the lawn sprinkler, toss water balloons or shoot squirt guns. Be ready for the first really hot day of the year with whatever you need for water play.

8.       Just once, do something you’ve never done before. Maybe you’ll go panning for gold or gems. Maybe you’ll visit an archeological dig. Maybe you’ll watch a demolition derby or a horse race or a dog show. Find out what’s happening in your area and do something new-to-you.

Anchor your family’s summer activities with just one simple event every week.  Don’t be too busy or too sophisticated for downhome summer fun. The more you do, the more fun you’ll have and the more memories you’ll make.

Good summers are full of good memories.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.

Moving Away: How To Help Children Move To A New Home

Our family made a cross-country move the year our younger son was three. He left a best buddy who lived next door, a familiar preschool, and a backyard creek full of crayfish. He told me with all sincerity, “You’ve ruined my life.”

If a three-year-old can feel this strongly about moving to a new home, it’s easy to see how older children and teens can feel equally done-to. Clearly, my son blamed Mom and Dad for his forced removal. Moving is difficult enough for a grown-up, who at least chose to make the move or knows the reasons behind it. How hard it must be for a child who can never really understand.

But you should try to help him understand. It’s never a good idea to announce a move to a new home suddenly or casually. You don’t want your child to feel like just a piece of furniture that can be packed up and hauled off without explanation. The more time your child has before the move, the more included he will feel in the process. You can include him in finding out about the new town or neighborhood and maybe even take him along on house-hunting or apartment-hunting trips. Older children can research their new schools online and use maps to figure out the closest playground or sports center in your new location.

At the same time, your child doesn’t need to be privy to the ups and downs of your dealings with a mortgage lender, to family debates over money, or to arguments about the best neighborhoods and schools. Bring your child into the process over the fun parts, not the stressful parts. Bring your child in only after you know most of the details.

Once you’ve signed a rental contract or had a purchase offer accepted, make frequent visits to the new neighborhood if you’re moving somewhere nearby. Get out of the car and walk around, visit the grocery store you’ll like use, attend services at what will be your new church. Do what you can to make the new place seem familiar.

At the same time, help your child before the move to assemble memories of the old place. She can take digital photos of her favorite people and her old house. The family can make a sort of farewell tour of well-loved haunts before finally packing up and moving away. The places we’ve lived stay with us. Make your child’s final memories of her home happy ones. If your family moved during your own children, you know some of the emotions your child will feel.

Once you’re in your new home, move quickly to help your children get established.

• Strike up conversations with other parents in the neighborhood and be proactive in hosting get-togethers with other kids.
• If you move during the summer, when there’s no school, children can be especially lonely. Think ahead and line up team play or a class for your child so she is assured of at least some kid-interaction each week.
• It’s okay if your child wants to maintain connections with his friends at his old home. Use Skype or email as a free way to keep in touch with old friends, particularly if the distance is too great for a visit. If an old friend is not too far, invite him to your new home; your child will enjoy showing him around.
• Take these steps yourself: get involved, invite moms over for coffee, volunteer to host your neighborhood Christmas party, get involved in the neighborhood association or school. If you are active in the new location, it’s easier for your kids to get acclimated too.

Moving is a leave-taking but it’s also an arrival. Help your child see the silver lining and the new opportunities hidden in the move.

© 2013, Patricia Nan Anderson. All rights reserved.